23.45 I can write again. Before I was overwhelmed by the emotions of my own experience, reliving pain, regret, grief, frustration, anger, disappointment, and then experiencing fresh pain, grief, frustration anger, disappointment regret.
I can write again and get on with other work if I am not too tired afterwards because of watching the last part of a beautiful Italian film La Meglio Gioventu- -the best of Youth, a six hour film, now over four years since its first showing in Italy, and available as a two disk DVD region 1 from the USA. There are some beautiful scenes and the characters are complex, cultured, artistic. The lives of one family between 1960 and 2003, four generations and with several moments of exquisite familiarity. The film was being shown on BBC 4 and changed my mood in a positive way.
19.15 3rd May. It has been the warmest day of the year and I enjoyed a leisurely walk to the shops after finishing going through the medical records of my birth mother. I bought the Journal from Smith's and had a quick read on a nearby bench. That was a delight. Walking on I got a bank statement. It is quirk to get printed statements from the bank as well on line. Then to Wilkinson's for Glitter glue seven packs and a tub of crayons, needing black since I have misplaced the last used for my Artman signature to the registration card with an artman signature glitter card as the frontispiece. Oh how I would like to just take off to France, Italy, Spain, or Greece. I bought the last pack of grapes from under the Metro Bridge and then went for bread at Asda and also to look for D.I.Y stir fry, two onions 25p, four yellow/orange peppers£1.30, six small packs of noodles £2 one pack stir fry vegetables £ 1.43. I bottle Chilli sauce £1.15 £6. The meat will come from a whole chicken which will provide a traditional Sunday lunch to-morrow and two portions this week and then a further two portions from the pork joint the following weekend, although I made use one of the portions of chicken and pork to make a curry thus keeping the stir fry to one a week. I use the peppers for salads and he mixed veg is an addition. I anticipate needing more chilli sauce but thought I would try this one and then try a hotter version. The reason for this experiment is my protest at the rise from £3 to just under £4 on the ready chicken or beef stir fry's that that I have enjoyed over the past six months. I reckon I can produce a similar dish for around £2 with a better balance between the meat and onions and peppers, and the noodles. I have already been added half a pepper and some additional onion. Tonight I settled for a plate of Indian starters and a pint of lager followed by some ice cream.
00.30 The cause of the earlier overwhelming emotional state was the second part of going through and writing up the contents of the 140 pages of information in the medical record of my birth mother
I am resigned to the possibility that Dr Stewart, the family doctor destroyed the early records when he retired in the first part of the 1950's and a change of doctors was needed. I have always been cautions about relying on memory without supporting record. I want a situation where anyone else seeking the same information, will make a similar judgement and reach similar conclusions. That is the standard of scholarship I have aspired to since facing the challenges of producing weekly essays for tutorial assignments at Ruskin and then on the post grad diploma course in public and social administration. There is nothing like listening to the essay of a first class Oxbridge graduate to realise ones limitations and understand the nature of academic scholarship. Having studied the psychology of memory and of perception and all aspects of childhood development I am aware of the pitfalls, especially of self suggestion and wishfulness. But I have a vague picture memory of overhearing a conversation between my "aunts" about the problem of having to move to a new doctor and of the retiring doctor offering to help out in maintaining the secrecy, and which later I assumed was because my mother was un unmarried teacher in post war Britain.
I will still approach the record resource in Surrey which might have some information but I am not optimistic. This was less upsetting than going through the records for the period 1998 2003 and going through the evidence which substantiates many of the issues in dispute during the five years of investigation into the premature and preventable death of my care mother. It is an angry and frustrating kind of upset because it could have been resolved within a matters of months. I can foresee months if not years more of upsetting work before my care mother, my birth mother and I can find the peace of knowing that the truth has been recognised by all those involved. I do not see how individuals can learn and put things right or better in the future until there is agreement about what happened and why.
At midday I watched Manchester United take West Ham apart and one was envious of the fans who are to watch this quality week in and week out. This feeling was underlined as I watched a lack lustre performance by Sunderland at Bolton and I continue to be hesitant about acquiring a season ticket for only the second time in three and a half decades. I had intended to watch the whole match and then Dr Who on BBC eye but saw more of Doctor Who such was my mood
I can write again and get on with other work if I am not too tired afterwards because of watching the last part of a beautiful Italian film La Meglio Gioventu- -the best of Youth, a six hour film, now over four years since its first showing in Italy, and available as a two disk DVD region 1 from the USA. There are some beautiful scenes and the characters are complex, cultured, artistic. The lives of one family between 1960 and 2003, four generations and with several moments of exquisite familiarity. The film was being shown on BBC 4 and changed my mood in a positive way.
19.15 3rd May. It has been the warmest day of the year and I enjoyed a leisurely walk to the shops after finishing going through the medical records of my birth mother. I bought the Journal from Smith's and had a quick read on a nearby bench. That was a delight. Walking on I got a bank statement. It is quirk to get printed statements from the bank as well on line. Then to Wilkinson's for Glitter glue seven packs and a tub of crayons, needing black since I have misplaced the last used for my Artman signature to the registration card with an artman signature glitter card as the frontispiece. Oh how I would like to just take off to France, Italy, Spain, or Greece. I bought the last pack of grapes from under the Metro Bridge and then went for bread at Asda and also to look for D.I.Y stir fry, two onions 25p, four yellow/orange peppers£1.30, six small packs of noodles £2 one pack stir fry vegetables £ 1.43. I bottle Chilli sauce £1.15 £6. The meat will come from a whole chicken which will provide a traditional Sunday lunch to-morrow and two portions this week and then a further two portions from the pork joint the following weekend, although I made use one of the portions of chicken and pork to make a curry thus keeping the stir fry to one a week. I use the peppers for salads and he mixed veg is an addition. I anticipate needing more chilli sauce but thought I would try this one and then try a hotter version. The reason for this experiment is my protest at the rise from £3 to just under £4 on the ready chicken or beef stir fry's that that I have enjoyed over the past six months. I reckon I can produce a similar dish for around £2 with a better balance between the meat and onions and peppers, and the noodles. I have already been added half a pepper and some additional onion. Tonight I settled for a plate of Indian starters and a pint of lager followed by some ice cream.
00.30 The cause of the earlier overwhelming emotional state was the second part of going through and writing up the contents of the 140 pages of information in the medical record of my birth mother
I am resigned to the possibility that Dr Stewart, the family doctor destroyed the early records when he retired in the first part of the 1950's and a change of doctors was needed. I have always been cautions about relying on memory without supporting record. I want a situation where anyone else seeking the same information, will make a similar judgement and reach similar conclusions. That is the standard of scholarship I have aspired to since facing the challenges of producing weekly essays for tutorial assignments at Ruskin and then on the post grad diploma course in public and social administration. There is nothing like listening to the essay of a first class Oxbridge graduate to realise ones limitations and understand the nature of academic scholarship. Having studied the psychology of memory and of perception and all aspects of childhood development I am aware of the pitfalls, especially of self suggestion and wishfulness. But I have a vague picture memory of overhearing a conversation between my "aunts" about the problem of having to move to a new doctor and of the retiring doctor offering to help out in maintaining the secrecy, and which later I assumed was because my mother was un unmarried teacher in post war Britain.
I will still approach the record resource in Surrey which might have some information but I am not optimistic. This was less upsetting than going through the records for the period 1998 2003 and going through the evidence which substantiates many of the issues in dispute during the five years of investigation into the premature and preventable death of my care mother. It is an angry and frustrating kind of upset because it could have been resolved within a matters of months. I can foresee months if not years more of upsetting work before my care mother, my birth mother and I can find the peace of knowing that the truth has been recognised by all those involved. I do not see how individuals can learn and put things right or better in the future until there is agreement about what happened and why.
At midday I watched Manchester United take West Ham apart and one was envious of the fans who are to watch this quality week in and week out. This feeling was underlined as I watched a lack lustre performance by Sunderland at Bolton and I continue to be hesitant about acquiring a season ticket for only the second time in three and a half decades. I had intended to watch the whole match and then Dr Who on BBC eye but saw more of Doctor Who such was my mood
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